Elephant Guide to Thailand
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Politically Incorrect Exit for the UK Ambassador to Thailand and Laos |
The British Ambassador to Thailand and Laos, David Fall, ended his
career as a diplomat by giving a wildly hilarious, shockingly
blunt, comedy performance of taboo jokes about Scotsmen using
condoms, trigger-happy Americans, and sexual double entendres
involving British, Turkish and French officials.
Nearly 200 people, including diplomats, businessmen, journalists
and others enthusiastically cheered and applauded every punch line
Mr. Fall delivered during his 40-minute speech at the Foreign
Correspondents' Club of Thailand.
His appearance on the night of July 24 and was titled, "Released
into the community: His Excellency David Fall, on the verge of
parole, reflects on 36 years as a British diplomat."
Pacing his lines like a professional stand-up comedian, and
frequently stressing accents to emphasize foreign voices, Mr. Fall
began by warning:
"Stereotypes can be very misleading. I've known German ambassadors
with a sense of humor. Well-organized Italians. Australians with no
chips on their shoulders whatsoever. Americans who are sensitive to
local feelings: 'Take 'em out! Nuke them!' And French
ambassadors who speak English without spitting every second word."
Mr. Fall, who retires in August, said he regretted how British
diplomats now had to be politically correct, unlike decades ago
when a British ambassador could speak and act with greater freedom.
"One of the many things we are not supposed to do these days is say
anything which might be dubbed as racial stereotyping."
Tweaking that protocol, he then told an elaborate joke about a
Scotsman who buys a condom while complaining it was "really
expensive." During the next several weeks, the Scotsman repeatedly
returns to the shop, demanding the condom be fixed, because holes
are appearing from overuse.
The shopkeeper tells him to buy a new condom, but the Scotsman
refuses because of the price.
The punch line? After one month, the suddenly generous Scotsman
tells the stunned shopkeeper, "the regiment has decided to buy" a
new condom.
"I tell you that purely as an illustration, because we're not
allowed to tell that silly joke anymore," Mr. Fall said amid
hysterical laughter. "It's also in extremely bad taste."
The ambassador said London's Foreign Office contains archives of
witty dispatches written by British diplomats in the mid-20th
century.
"Actually, I do recommend a trawl through the Foreign Office's
re-computerization archives. There are some real gems in there,"
Mr. Fall said.
"For those of you with a sensitive disposition, you may wish to go
to the toilet now," the envoy then advised his audience. "I would
like to read to you now, from an official Foreign Office document.
It is a letter dated 6 April 1943, from Sir Archibald Clerk Kerr,
Her Majesties ambassador in Moscow, to Lord Pembroke, the Foreign
Office, London."
Exaggerating a pompous British accent, Mr. Fall read:
"My Dear Reggie, In these dark days man tends to look for little
shafts of light that spill from Heaven. My days are probably darker
than yours, and I need, my God I do, all the light I can get. But I
am a decent fellow, and I do not want to be mean and selfish about
what little brightness is shed upon me from time to time.
"So I propose to share with you a tiny flash that has illuminated
my somber life, and tell you that God has given me a new Turkish
colleague, whose card tells me that he is called Mustapha Kunt.
"We all feel like that, Reggie, now and then, especially when
spring is upon us, but few of us would dare to put it on our cards.
It takes a Turk to do that."
Amid whoops, chortling and cheers, Mr. Fall said, "If anybody needs
to explain that to somebody, well, good luck.
Asked by a mischievous audience for more anecdotes, Mr. Fall told a
story about France's former leader Charles de Gaulle, while
stretching the general's French-accented English.
"Charles de Gaulle and his wife were at a banquet in London,
sitting at opposite ends of this long table, and the conversation
was going on. And somebody asked Madam de Gaulle what she thought
was the greatest thing in life.
"Madam de Gaulle replied: 'I think the greatest thing in life is a
penis.'
"At that very moment, all the talking had stopped and everybody
turned and looked at her. To his credit, General de Gaulle, at the
other end of the table, backed up and said, 'No no, ma chere, I
think what you mean to say is: happiness.'"
After the chuckles died down, Mr. Fall described his future plans
by saying: "I'm not intending to work for anybody that I don't
want to work for anymore. Thirty-six years as a bureaucrat is
absolutely enough, as far as I'm concerned.
"You just want to be yourself," the gray-haired envoy said,
predicting a leisurely life of writing, painting, cartooning,
gardening, walking the length of the United Kingdom, raising dogs
and chickens, and doing international charity work.
Hailing from an Anglo-Welsh family of tenant farmers and coal
miners, Mr. Fall's Diplomat Service career included three tours of
Thailand, totaling 12 years, plus stints in South Africa,
Australia, Vietnam and London, accompanied by his wife Gwendolyn
and their three sons.
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